Leaving Camp a New Man

About Me

Hello! My name is Sean and I want to preface this by saying that I can be a bit of a rambler so buckle up.

I grew up in the suburbs of Waterford MI, if you’re familiar with Southeast Michigan or Detroit then it’s right where the north end of Woodward stops. It’s one of those towns that was hit pretty hard by the Recession, but the general populace kept on going and pretending that everything was great.

Thinking about it now, that’s a pretty good example of what growing up there was like; if there was anything that was uncomfortable or out of the ordinary it was just kind of pushed to the periphery. Being a little boy who was terrible at sports, didn’t care about cars, cried at the idea of hunting something, and was much happier watching Golden Age musicals and helping in the garden, I was very familiar with that periphery.

Over time I found other people in the outskirts who had similar tastes in sci-fi, fantasy, and pretending to have superpowers in the backyard, they were my first attempt at a community and I happily joined in with the Freaks and Geeks of Waterford. When the joy that is puberty arrived and I realized that I was much more interested in men than in women I realized that none of my friends had a similar epiphany, it was one more thing that was “wrong” with me and needed to be kept hidden if I wanted to be included with the rest of the outcasts. I kept following that practice with anything that would mark me as different from the crowds until graduation; downplay it as a fault, keep it hidden, and certainly don’t take time to reflect on it. This is a great recipe for terrible confidence and self-image, I don’t recommend it.

I was a beige ghost for 4 years and I did everything in my power to avoid stepping into the spotlight. I guess it’s appropriate that I took up the light board as soon as I joined Drama Club. From the back of the auditorium I could help others shine and highlight their triumphs while staying in the shadows. I genuinely enjoy boosting people and you wouldn’t find a better cheerleader if you could drag me out from under the bleachers; the trouble was that I never thought I deserved a similar treatment. If someone shined a light on me then all the things that I tried to keep hidden for so long would show and I’d be ridiculed or left alone. Looking back now I find myself wondering how many friendships and opportunities I missed because I assumed that they were offered out of pity or some other sense of obligation.

Much of the credit for starting the process of breaking the shell I’d spent 18 years building can be attributed to two friends. One was a toxic individual who recognized the trap I’d built for myself and realized that I could boost her confidence without her needing to reciprocate whatsoever, I became a living spotlight to highlight her greatness and hide her faults. I didn’t like that Sean and it got to the point where I tried to kill him; I will say this with the benefit of hindsight that many others don’t get a chance to have: Don’t try it, it doesn’t make anything better and in my case necessitated a laundry rush job before my family came home from out of town. She showed me that I was not happy with my life the way it was and despite all the dramatics that followed, I owe her for that.

The other is my best friend Nick, probably the best Judy you could hope for. The moment that I realized that there was someone actually interested in all of the weird shit I kept locked up, was when he asked if I wanted to stay after most of our other friends had gone home for the night because he’d read a story in a magazine that he thought I’d really enjoy. It was about a lonely goddess in the modern day who was looking for a small bit of belief from anyone in order to survive; when all seemed lost a child’s idle wish was enough to reinvigorate her so that she could continue on.

I didn’t realize until this moment that that act was the spark of belief that I needed so badly. He encouraged me to explore and talk about the things that I was always ashamed of; things that I always thought would mark me as a lunatic or someone to be avoided. He introduced me to people who liked the same things, and if they didn’t then they were interested to hear what I had to say about them. He opened the door to my second community, and I’ll owe him for the rest of my life for that.

As I was starting to find out who I was and who I wanted to be, and started ditching the beige jumpsuits, I also started coming to terms with being attracted to men. As I started to explore more about what that I meant I started to notice that there was something I didn’t account for; I didn’t have that drive to find physical intimacy or a romantic partner that others did. I’d never really had a girlfriend or even boyfriend because it just wasn’t something that I was interested in. My first Pride event cemented that I was abnormally abnormal when a not-great-person insisted that all gay men were naturally promiscuous and looking for hookups and that if I wasn’t then I probably wasn’t even gay. If I wanted to be part of the LGBT+ community then I needed to accept his advances, if I didn’t then I wasn’t welcome. For the next 10 years I felt like the doors to that community were closed to me, all because of one asshole. I’m now proud to be a member of the Ace/Aro community and I’m going to show that pride to everyone.

So that’s a whole lot of stuff about some formative things but I feel like they’re important to put out there before I talk about Camp TAZO, which we all know is what drew you here to begin with.

I’m still not sure what it was about my interview that convinced Alyssa Edwards and TAZO that I was a desirable camper, I feel like they might have seen the same thing in me that Nick did forever ago; there was a light that was getting blocked by so many shutters and drapes that it could barely be seen, but it was there.

As the campers started talking before the big weekend, I started getting intimidated, these were all people who clearly knew who they were and had done amazing things. I was just some nerd from Waterford who was terrified of breaking out of the mold that I built.

That fear immediately went away when I met the other campers who were filtering into San Antonio, these were complete strangers who wanted to know about me and were actually interested in the things I had to say without the perceived obligation of having to because they were my friends or family. The campers, staff, and the illustrious Ms. Edwards were so full of love and acceptance for just being who you are without judgement that my walls didn’t have a chance. They were blasted down in 72 hours of raw emotion, campfire sing-a-longs, floral crowns, hidden talents, and Bobby Ray and I’m still trying to make sense of everything.

I feel like I’m emerging from my last cocoon and while the wind is cold on my untested wings, I’m finally able to feel the light that’s been surrounding me for so long and I’m tired of running from it. It’s time for me to step into the spotlight from behind the curtain and I’m going to reflect that joy onto everyone I come across. I may not know you; I may never meet you, but I want you to know that I’m here, I love you, and you deserve every bit of that love.